You know that sensation when you feel like it doesn't matter if you are alive or not? You feel too weary to keep going through a senseless maze. You tell yourself "I want to die." Well, I wish I could do that. I wish I could at least lie to myself and say "I am going to kill myself." But I'm too conscious of the fact that I am both attached to life and that I am a fighter, that it is a sin and out of question for me. I wish I could show them that I am suffering; I wish I didn't hide it all behind a smile and inflicted everything upon me. It's like I lost my senses, I am too numb for pain. And now this emptiness, this lack of feeling is killing me. And I know, I am alone on this earth. Truly irreversibly and miserably solitary.
It's been a while since I have last wished to just drop dead. Not breathing. Not existing. Not self-inflicting. Just eternally lie there and not exist and not exist and not exist. Just a beautiful rotten pile of bones and maggot-colonized earth.