You know that
sensation when you feel like it doesn't matter if you are alive or not? You
feel too weary to keep going through a senseless maze. You tell yourself
"I want to die." Well, I wish I could do that. I wish I could at
least lie to myself and say "I am going to kill myself." But I'm too
conscious of the fact that I am both attached to life and that I am a fighter,
that it is a sin and out of question for me. I wish I could show them that I am
suffering; I wish I didn't hide it all behind a smile and inflicted everything
upon me. It's like I lost my senses, I am too numb for pain. And now this
emptiness, this lack of feeling is killing me. And I know, I am alone on this
earth. Truly irreversibly and miserably solitary.
It's been a
while since I have last wished to just drop dead. Not breathing. Not existing.
Not self-inflicting. Just eternally lie there and not exist and not exist and
not exist. Just a beautiful rotten pile of bones and maggot-colonized earth.
