Tuesday, 1 July 2014

Nocturnal Streams of Consciousness III

You know that sensation when you feel like it doesn't matter if you are alive or not? You feel too weary to keep going through a senseless maze. You tell yourself "I want to die." Well, I wish I could do that. I wish I could at least lie to myself and say "I am going to kill myself." But I'm too conscious of the fact that I am both attached to life and that I am a fighter, that it is a sin and out of question for me. I wish I could show them that I am suffering; I wish I didn't hide it all behind a smile and inflicted everything upon me. It's like I lost my senses, I am too numb for pain. And now this emptiness, this lack of feeling is killing me. And I know, I am alone on this earth. Truly irreversibly and miserably solitary.
It's been a while since I have last wished to just drop dead. Not breathing. Not existing. Not self-inflicting. Just eternally lie there and not exist and not exist and not exist. Just a beautiful rotten pile of bones and maggot-colonized earth.