Maybe I've been lying to myself about being okay.
I mean, maybe I am really happy. But maybe I am happy without being okay and I'm just trying so hard to be happy that I didn't notice that I'm not fine.
So many things around me are out of my control. I hate them. But I face them pacifically. Calmly. I still don't understand from where this calm attitude stems. Am I so numb, so impervious that I automatically shut down any violent reaction ?
Maybe that's been my problem all along.
Believing my Zen attitude is appropriate for every situation.
Is it ?
I don't know.
I'm confused. I have a headache. A clump in my throat. And I am not feeling fine.
Maybe it's selfish, yeah. They say I should be grateful for the life I have.
But I don't have to have cancer to have my pain acknowledged.
I just want to go away. Leave, far from here. This is not a home. It will never be.
Lately, I've had my tears flowing easily. I'm surprised: I haven't cried on my deceased mother's birthday. Yet, now the tears fight their way through so easily. Now I feel so suffocated that I don't bear the thought of staying alone in my room, talking to nobody. I, who loves her regular bit of alone-time. I don't turn off the Internet. I'm afraid of turning off the music. I look outside the window and yearn to go out. But I stay inside. On my own.
Where is the strength I used to pride myself in ?
Where is the sunshine that you've all told me radiated from me?
It's a cloud-stricken sky in there and I don't know how to blow into my chest and make it right.
"Home is where all your attempts to escape cease."
I mean, maybe I am really happy. But maybe I am happy without being okay and I'm just trying so hard to be happy that I didn't notice that I'm not fine.
So many things around me are out of my control. I hate them. But I face them pacifically. Calmly. I still don't understand from where this calm attitude stems. Am I so numb, so impervious that I automatically shut down any violent reaction ?
Maybe that's been my problem all along.
Believing my Zen attitude is appropriate for every situation.
Is it ?
I don't know.
I'm confused. I have a headache. A clump in my throat. And I am not feeling fine.
Maybe it's selfish, yeah. They say I should be grateful for the life I have.
But I don't have to have cancer to have my pain acknowledged.
I just want to go away. Leave, far from here. This is not a home. It will never be.
Lately, I've had my tears flowing easily. I'm surprised: I haven't cried on my deceased mother's birthday. Yet, now the tears fight their way through so easily. Now I feel so suffocated that I don't bear the thought of staying alone in my room, talking to nobody. I, who loves her regular bit of alone-time. I don't turn off the Internet. I'm afraid of turning off the music. I look outside the window and yearn to go out. But I stay inside. On my own.
Where is the strength I used to pride myself in ?
Where is the sunshine that you've all told me radiated from me?
It's a cloud-stricken sky in there and I don't know how to blow into my chest and make it right.
"Home is where all your attempts to escape cease."
Hellou, you still are the most radiating spirit I have ever met.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, You have all the right to feel down. You don't have to apologize for that or justify it. All pain is significant even the insignificant one. I love you and I truly venerate your inspiring strength and attitude.
Above all, do not let go of that one feeling, tinged with dejection as it may be, try to cling to it with all your heart. Happiness is what drives you ahead. Don't let it flutter away, please.
Omg Hnayen, thank you so much for your words, they've reached me full velocity. :') I'm trying hard to stay afloat and your words are a little sun in this cloud-stricken sky. I love you so much.
DeleteI doubt what you're saying here. I doubt it because i see everyday how you become more and more awesome, more and more genious and standing tall against all the difficulties trying to echain you to the mainstream life. Besides, I doubt it because I see how a happy person you make me everyday, and the person you're talking about can't be this one :)
ReplyDeleteI doubt what you're saying here. I doubt it because i see everyday how you become more and more awesome, more and more genious and standing tall against all the difficulties trying to echain you to the mainstream life. Besides, I doubt it because I see how a happy person you make me everyday, and the person you're talking about can't be this one :)
ReplyDelete